“Since then, at an uncertain hour,
That agony returns:
And till my ghastly tale is told,
This heart within me burns.”
Samuel Taylor Coleridge: The Rime of the Ancient Mariner
I get such a strong reaction to the line:
“And till my ghastly tale is told, this heart within me burns.”
This line moves me intensely, and scares me even more.
I don’t want to be the one who always has this ghastly tale to be told. Just to do this, to expose myself like this, scares me shitless!
Why should I tell my ghastly tale? I have started on so many other stories, but this one seems to claim its right to go first.
I am so full of contradictions. I certainly don’t understand me, so how could anyone else do?
I was always amongst the “popular” ones as I grew up. Yet always standing on the outside, never fitting in fully.
I pretended a lot to seem “normal” amongst my peers. Haha, I ended up as a rebellious, self ironic and sarcastic youngster!
I used to discuss passionately about what mattered to me like caring for animals and our earth. Seeing the human and not the attachments around the human.
Unfairness, love, religion and devotion engaged me. I lost my so-called friends in the end over it.
I was hardly ever single, but never quite found the right one. I kept searching, got pickier, learned to be on my one. Then I found the one, and he found me. The perfect match still wasn’t enough though.
My nearest didn’t really see me and I turned to nature and animals for comfort and reassurance from an early age.
My loving grandparents took me out in the nature, and I laid down in the moss and sank into it. Disappearing, not knowing were the ground started and I ended.
How tempting it was to just stay there until the moss covered me, gently and softly.
I have this place filled with peace, love and compassion. But sometimes nightmares woke me up leaving me with a heavy black hole. Like chewing gum that is about to dissolve in your mouth. I still have those nightmares.
To me it’s more a feeling of standing on the outside, all the time, as if I don’t manage to include myself.
Fearing it’s the others not managing to include me as I am too… something.
Maybe like a crow in the fog. There, but a bit strange.
Best to keep some distance.
So how can anyone else see it?
You know, I don’t want to be the professional struggler like Baba so correctly called me! Always taking the hardest route, finding the greatest drama, ending up in situations I could do without. I had to laugh when he said that, as it rang so true to my ears. And at the same time my heart howls for the same reason!
Its like a deep void of emptiness that just wants to be filled.
Baba even told me once what to do, and I didn’t realize the importance of it. What a huge mistake to make.
Some people tell me: ”Oh, but you are so strong, you can handle this!”
Then expect me to handle this, that and the other regardless.
No one seems to see that I just feel like breaking down. Wanting to melt into a foetus position and be helpless, but taken care of.
I always get up though. Always grind my teeth and get on.
Do you recognize this vulnerability? Or is it just me? I really don’t know sometimes. Am I totally out of place? Or is there anyone else out there feeling so small, so insignificant and so pointless? And yet with so many longings and needs, expectations and dreams.
It seems like I have to start telling my ghastly tale, to still my heart and soothe it.
Maybe then I will stop being a professional struggler and be stronger in spirit and find my purpose in life.
My path is LOVE. I know that. I have always known that. I need to really listen to my heart and act from the heart. Trust my own inner wisdom.
Thank God I have found Baba to remind me, support me and help me stay strong in spirit.
I am forever grateful beyond words for that.
Thank You, Thank You, Thank You Baba.
Love always, Junna